you would have never imagined that me and the spaceman made it back to one another.

but we did.

The actual reality is so gorgeous and bittersweet most could never swing it.

but we did.

and we looked at each other while we played a song together and we SMILED
the smile I have been waiting to smile my whole life.

and right this very second... There is a fat white lady singing "what price for happiness?"

so I am telling you... I'm happy and the fat lady is singing so fuck off finally you self defeating
slant thats been following my fine ass around for all these years.

I am going to
wrap my troubles in dreams
and dream my troubles away.


and every time I get to where I am going
I remember something about where I came from... this time it was this...



Once upon a time I was a balloon delivery girl...
but really I was a singing telegram girl who delivered balloons in Baltimore.
I wore a top hat and tiny tux jacket... red high tops and jean cut offs and I carried a wand.
And I would drive a big ugly van to the hospital or the school or some random home and bring them balloons
and I was told that if they were home... I had to sing... and so I would sing when you wish upon a star and hand them the balloons.

All of my clients were black people except for one.
and they always thought I was the oddest thing they ever saw
and every time I sang that song my voice cracked because my voice was not built to sing that kind of song...
and I was self conscious because most black people can sing their asses off and shooo.

one time I brought a whole two fists full of purple balloons to a school and all the kids jumped all around me and hugged and kissed me... and I hugged and kissed them back! and it was fun to see so many silly smiles and happy faces. I was surprised at where I was standing in that moment...I never had more happy kids around before or since.

one day I had to go to the hospital and the balloon was a single pink balloon and a bouquet of flowers... I walked in and there was a white woman sitting up in a hospital bed...  so I said that so and so had sent her a singing telegram... and then sang my dumb song and danced my wand over her bed... over her... and you should have seen the look on her face... holy shit.
what I didnt know... could not have known was that
cancer had taken her breasts and she what... man what she was thinking and feeling was written all over her... hell she was a painting... and sitting there with a friend who was smiling but she looked like she wanted to scream...

the last lines of the song are " When you wish upon a star... your dreams do come true."
and she looked down at her empty chest and said " well they aint gonna grow back and that is the only thing on my mind right now so..."
and it made me smile and fuck man... how I loved her so much in that moment... a complete stranger and I loved her immensly... I walked towards her and handed her the flowers and balloon and said... " I am sorry." and she shook her head and smiled and it was the greatest smile ever... like George Clinton great. and she said... "Its okay."

I wish I would have had the head on me to tell her how brave and cool I thought she was and funny... but I just headed out to the balloon van where it was hot out there and the Mylar ones had all but fainted in the back and were no longer any good... and the seats too hot to sit on and very soon after that I started to not show up at work on time... and sometimes not at all  until one day...
 the boss came to hour house and yelled up the gated stairs for me to come out and get my ass to work... but I just threw the van keys down and said... I am done... I am sorry because you are so nice but I cant... so he left and I dont know what I got into next... I think bar tending at the wharf rat or painting a house. I dunno... but once I did that.

Astral Update. Sector 13

                                                             finite infinite fin

Almost There

I couldn't take you off... so you came and pulled one sleeve of you off and then the other... all the while saying... "take me off, take me off."
now I never wanted to do that... not ever. I only did it because you made me.
o but you smiled when you said it... and it really seemed like such a tenderhearted gesture that I have decided I am going to trust you for another round.
Bless this mess lover while I go git dressed.

she put rocks in her pocket and walked into the New Hampshirian lake... cold and icy waters... or were they warm... for me they would have to be warm... and it would
take every bit of strength to open wide and inhale the hydrogen oxygen mixture into my lungs... I have to say I love the difference between water and air... sounds winds heats waves weight all read well in the subconsciousness of happenstance.... I took that lady monks advice and took suicide off the menu a long time ago... but I still think about it... still wonder what Virginia was thinking about as she chose each rock... maybe all she thought about was heavy enough... not heavy enough... heavy enough. And I know there was one... That one stone she missed that might have been smooth enough to ease her back out of the water but no... You know...   She had someone who loved her here...  so love does not make someone hang on... sometimes I imagine it must be too much to bear... to be loved so completely... It has got to be a kind of hell that buries just as well as feeling unloved...

 I have come to a decision regarding how I am to be loved... and I think I want to become very clear in the matter so that there is no confusion... so that those who might have the nerve to venture close enough might understand... Whoever you are... What I am certain of about you is that you have loved me this entire time... though you might have had different faces and been different men... you are the same love that broke through into this dark veil with me at birth and I have every intention of letting you love me and I loving you until we break on out of here... but I will no longer look for you in the eyes of the unsure... nor will I wait for you to remain unsure... when you are finally brave enough... to love me... you will quit your days of faintly chasing me... and love me like you have always known you have. 

Somewhere in the Hausdorff Dimension...

They wanted to measure my cortical surface folding complexity...

and so they proposed to use spherical harmonic constructions to do so.

and when they presented me with a simple cube.... I moved quick to turn it into 

Von Koch's snowflake curve... smiling at them in anticipation of a shared joy...

but all they were interested in was where to put the decimal point inside of my measurements.

They could not see how happy I was to be continuous everywhere but differentiable no where.

They could only see their paper being read by their professor and the reaction of my doctor.

Their cold prodding nature stung. 

and so  I sought refuge inside of Gabriel's horn.

I reserved my Cesaro, my Fibonacci, my Takagi and my beloved Julia for those that would love me

and took my mind back from their heartless visions and left them with nothing tangible to handle.

From there it looks like catatonia but from here its all Huasdorff's dimension.

If you must judge me... it is imperative that you love me as well.

Geofferson

in the dream
Michael said " it aint gonna go down like that" or maybe it was me that said it but the gist of the conversation was bad. real bad and I woke up desperate to get him off the street.
he was in such a derelict state... he could have been anything by then... robber rapist redline

but I thought maybe ready.

and people pulled together and got him off the street and into a really great rehab
but he blew it

just like the dead people and angels said he would... in the dream... michael looked at me with this look like... you can chase him... but you wont catch him... and he almost said it... i know he was almost going to say it... to let it go... that it was not my gig any more... but he didn't and so I took off out of that dream fast.

it all went down the way they said it was going to... it even went down the way they said it wouldnt.

and they are not laughing at me... nor do they look sorry for me


they look like they are praying
they look like me praying

like the cells that die off so that the bone of a finger can be formed
some people will... and some will not.

Geofferson... there are no victims or saviors... there is only us and we were great.
We were a bukowski poem, a rothko painting, a mahalia jackson song.

remember me... but if you can get to a better place... then baby... just forget.

tangle

I wake up... its warm
I wake up and its gonna be a nice warm day in the sun.

you come down and untangle my hair so I try and untangle yours
and for a while thats what we do.

after a bit we give up and decide to feed ourselves instead.
and I love you and you love me.

and I dont know any junkies, thieves, drunks or killers
and you dont either.

there are no such things here
there are no such things here
there are no such things here

and as per your request
here under this warm sun...
you are not the you I cry for...
that you I set free.

 I believe 

that what ever loved me there
loves me here still
and what ever loved me there
loves me here still
yes whatever loved me there
loves me here still

and it is a good thread that pulled itself through me
that I should be able to have the things that I can see
here awake under this warm sun
you make getting the tangles out
awfully sweet and awfully fun.