she put rocks in her pocket and walked into the New Hampshirian lake... cold and icy waters... or were they warm... for me they would have to be warm... and it would
take every bit of strength to open wide and inhale the hydrogen oxygen mixture into my lungs... I have to say I love the difference between water and air... sounds winds heats waves weight all read well in the subconsciousness of happenstance.... I took that lady monks advice and took suicide off the menu a long time ago... but I still think about it... still wonder what Virginia was thinking about as she chose each rock... maybe all she thought about was heavy enough... not heavy enough... heavy enough. And I know there was one... That one stone she missed that might have been smooth enough to ease her back out of the water but no... You know...   She had someone who loved her here...  so love does not make someone hang on... sometimes I imagine it must be too much to bear... to be loved so completely... It has got to be a kind of hell that buries just as well as feeling unloved...

 I have come to a decision regarding how I am to be loved... and I think I want to become very clear in the matter so that there is no confusion... so that those who might have the nerve to venture close enough might understand... Whoever you are... What I am certain of about you is that you have loved me this entire time... though you might have had different faces and been different men... you are the same love that broke through into this dark veil with me at birth and I have every intention of letting you love me and I loving you until we break on out of here... but I will no longer look for you in the eyes of the unsure... nor will I wait for you to remain unsure... when you are finally brave enough... to love me... you will quit your days of faintly chasing me... and love me like you have always known you have. 

Somewhere in the Hausdorff Dimension...

They wanted to measure my cortical surface folding complexity...

and so they proposed to use spherical harmonic constructions to do so.

and when they presented me with a simple cube.... I moved quick to turn it into 

Von Koch's snowflake curve... smiling at them in anticipation of a shared joy...

but all they were interested in was where to put the decimal point inside of my measurements.

They could not see how happy I was to be continuous everywhere but differentiable no where.

They could only see their paper being read by their professor and the reaction of my doctor.

Their cold prodding nature stung. 

and so  I sought refuge inside of Gabriel's horn.

I reserved my Cesaro, my Fibonacci, my Takagi and my beloved Julia for those that would love me

and took my mind back from their heartless visions and left them with nothing tangible to handle.

From there it looks like catatonia but from here its all Huasdorff's dimension.

If you must judge me... it is imperative that you love me as well.

Geofferson

in the dream
Michael said " it aint gonna go down like that" or maybe it was me that said it but the gist of the conversation was bad. real bad and I woke up desperate to get him off the street.
he was in such a derelict state... he could have been anything by then... robber rapist redline

but I thought maybe ready.

and people pulled together and got him off the street and into a really great rehab
but he blew it

just like the dead people and angels said he would... in the dream... michael looked at me with this look like... you can chase him... but you wont catch him... and he almost said it... i know he was almost going to say it... to let it go... that it was not my gig any more... but he didn't and so I took off out of that dream fast.

it all went down the way they said it was going to... it even went down the way they said it wouldnt.

and they are not laughing at me... nor do they look sorry for me


they look like they are praying
they look like me praying

like the cells that die off so that the bone of a finger can be formed
some people will... and some will not.

Geofferson... there are no victims or saviors... there is only us and we were great.
We were a bukowski poem, a rothko painting, a mahalia jackson song.

remember me... but if you can get to a better place... then baby... just forget.

tangle

I wake up... its warm
I wake up and its gonna be a nice warm day in the sun.

you come down and untangle my hair so I try and untangle yours
and for a while thats what we do.

after a bit we give up and decide to feed ourselves instead.
and I love you and you love me.

and I dont know any junkies, thieves, drunks or killers
and you dont either.

there are no such things here
there are no such things here
there are no such things here

and as per your request
here under this warm sun...
you are not the you I cry for...
that you I set free.

 I believe 

that what ever loved me there
loves me here still
and what ever loved me there
loves me here still
yes whatever loved me there
loves me here still

and it is a good thread that pulled itself through me
that I should be able to have the things that I can see
here awake under this warm sun
you make getting the tangles out
awfully sweet and awfully fun.

unreachable

it happens because it is easy to fall in love with strangers
easy to pretend there is everything to hope for
as you ride on the rush of nothing to lose.

ah beauty.
beautiful words
beautiful looks

you forget what you look like for a moment
as you strain your neck to hear what they are only mouthing to you


you  miss it all.
and there is something simultaneously occurring when you  miss it all

One... you have no idea who or what they are
and Two... you like it that way.

unreachable is all that is left here on Terra.

The burnt and tattooed body of an angelic chanteuse
levees the fortress of the cryptochrome-dome
and sweet lullabies us all into oblivion.
 the echoic beats transform into a
 transient purring and it is so easy now to just bleed right on through.

it was not love we sought
it was death

that morning... and all them vultures in the sky...

I am leaving all these descriptive words at the foot of your door...

and I am gonna walk out into the chaotic swoop of no one in particulars swinging arms and running feet and hard breath and get swept up just how you love to watch me go...

yup... all out there and fearless and always smiling towards you.

It is how I make you and me happy I suppose.

sending love to strangers

I prayed a good chunk of the way home.
Telling the stranger who had just died... to not be afraid of the bright lights and loud noises...
that his days of being addicted to drugs were over and he would never have to come that way again if he so chose. I told him that all of his illusions will be revealed to him now and that it was up to him to decide which illusions he would want to continue with and which illusions he could let go of. I prayed and sang to him and us.... tad yate gate gate para gate para sum gate bodhi svaha.

proceed proceed proceed beyond... be embodied in enlightenment.

A crying boy on the other end of a line... finds the body.
"He is frozen stiff" "He's blue"
I can hear the panic in his voice from the other end of the line.
He waits for the advice of his father to come...
what he finds on the other end was what it was.

Parritta Parritta Parritta

"Stay and protect me"

"I want to"

and my genes prickle and apologize. prickle and apologize. me too me too.

so I know its all true... Mr.
and while I wasnt so sure about why I was standing there right then... Im clear now.

cant shake it

woke up to the sound of birds again

and soft breathing

and tree muted light

and there it was again.

"name me" it whispered.

but I refused and rolled over.

name yourself I thought.

I had awoken numerous times only to find it

sitting there... waiting.

I resented it. 

there has to come a day... when one awakes

and what is there is ready for you...

knows what it is and is able

to tell you with out you having to wonder.

if I name you... then you really do not exist

and I am more alone here than I care to imagine.

the next time I awoke the room was empty.

It had left.

there were no birds or breath or light

and when the filter tore open

and the lens panned out... from the periphery it walked back through the door.

it had come back and placed itself in my hand

and in my hand was the name.

the name that beetles it way through the annals of time

to deliver the final fatal blow I had been waiting for all these years.
o love

my name is no one

sleep dancing

sleep dancing

I had barely gotten away from the spaceman
when I met the time traveler

and leaning against the door jamb when the degrees for sleep and awake are blurred...
a horror dragged across my mind.


Another year could drive its nail in
to nowheresville and pin me next to nothing.

I met a very lucky man i would think to myself later.

It is best to be free here I thought.

how some escape becomes too important and I miss the point

but if you would be so kind as to point the laser here

I am pretty sure I can dance myself through this long sleep

and escape the point all together.

how to make winter of our heart

she read the words of her friends and welled up. To let go deeply... she walked into the woods and looked for the cottonwood tree. It was october and the buds would be ready to pick for the salve. " Balm of Gilead oil. Rub it just over your heart. Really works, you'll be amazed." The last friend had said... the oil is extracted from the unborn petals inside the bud of the fall sprouting cottonwood tree. Collect, mash them up, place in jar and pour fresh pressed oil over them till completely covered. let them sit and soak... the longer the better,

rub just over your heart

and you will be amazed.


she found the broken ones. the ones no longer dressed as boughs.
the ones that littered terra... whose buds were deathly close to rock hard.

branch after broken branch... she picked each bud off and she made a healthy pile inside her fist.

Then she found the yellow stamens left over from the bees pollen harvest and hot summer air and storms and she picked another pile in her other hand.


"okay you"... she thought.
"if this is really what you want..."
she mixed the
bud stamen and oil
inside of a long thin glass
and placed it up upon the sill.
To find sunlight and starlight
as much as you can stand
because
the longer the better the recipe said.
I failed.
I am no better than the brainwashed and officially no good to you any more.
and so... when the oil becomes thick and smells like an honest goodbye

I beg you


Lets see if we can make winter of our heart .

get out while you still can

I wont be leaving the mountain again. 
They will have to come here for an interview.
"so" they will begin... "what was it like to have his dirty balls in yer mouth?" you laugh but... that really is the extent of my involvement there. I offer nothing more valuable than this. I accomplished nothing in the arms of men.
" You think you know about the black of night and the blood of sex?"
I tell them.
" I wished I would have died choking on him... and it makes me cry sometimes when I remember how I kept right on living." 

A six-sided thought sequence is pushed into the matrix for the third and final time.

The tambour of peruvian cowbells on the hillside will trigger the event horizon .

And we will have to choose or be chose.

remember though. two stay and two go.

change

in the dream...
a beautiful man... a solo rock god...
showed up... this time long brown hair
thick lips and a wide forehead and taller than me
and we snaked our bodies together as soon as we were
close enough to do so.
and I could feel his cock through his loose slacks and it was gorgeous
big headed and perfectly wide as it was long.
and I rested my whole hand on the tip and pretended
to shift gears going up in to fifth and then back into fourth.
he was a beauty
he was part of the peruvian crew
He came to show me what it feels like when someone you thought was beautiful...
decides to pick you
you over all the others... and all the others were just as gorgeous as he was.
and being picked and held and ravished in front of the crowd was pleasing.

they have come twice...
once to tell me to get my anger in check and all would be well
and once to show me what it feels like to be picked... and not do the picking.

When they come into my dreams... there is always something that occurs that
that provides a learning moment and as much as I would love to tell you I ace the exam every time...
I  don't.

but they never leave with out me waking up telling myself I will do better the next time...
the magic number three is on the horizon now... third time's the charm... so wish me luck.

The never filled up

"you can the see reasons here." she said looking through the glowing pages. "see? I mean, Look here... heres one and right here is another... so don't tell me you don't know the reasons." and she walked away from the table and she folded her arms tightly up into her small chest. The Venusian girl with the gorgeous praying mantis attributes moved stiffly... Her back felt like it was about to blow out.


" My mother never nursed me." he said flatly.
they shared a small look between them and then

to show solidarity,she said, "My father never held me.".

These poor two were so tired of their old ism's rearing their ancient maws up out of the muck every time they had a raw desire they wanted fulfilled, that they looked almost colorless. Like two bees left dead on the window sill for weeks. Former beauties of themselves.

They were the product of their parents but there has got to come the day when one evolves far far up and away from all that. so far away in fact they leave baby-dom forever and never die. But neither could admit if they were really working towards getting off the wheel for good. They were so entangled... so in love and then out.

The other girl... the one who had learned to see things...  opened her eyes and wished she had seen something else. dont worry... this is the norm. Many visions are full of the never filled up.

If you care at all... you identify the problem and imagine it solved.

At her best... the other girl was in her own right a stunning singularity. Not a bad choice at all for a fling. In fact she was the best one shot off ever produced. But she had feelings and was very hard to shake.  After the initial lash of the severed cord... after the sting of rejection eased a little... she managed to move away and there was even a time she was able to let go and forget to go back, forget to hold on and learned how to let go... but Memory is a harsh mistress and well... Memory tells you that you simply can't. Could never and Now come really? why would you?

She told herself she could if it would save the world... but standing alone up there on that lonesome horizon, truly alone and the only one thinking... It was too much for her to bear and so...
Her desire to be a saint monk nun nobody seemed to have run its course... at best she had arrived only at the level of a mime. The vision of which made her laugh out loud a little.  Even she could see that if you lined the three of them up in the glowing light... you would see the reasons why... why he went back and why she got stuck.



The hard part of this kind of vision is realizing that you are not the true origin of what had come before you. What you see is the regurgitation of others experiences that are then tried out on you. This happens when folks find out something really neat about love and this  throws a switch on in their minds and they wanna see it again and again... this desire is so good it becomes habit forming, the old adage... you never saw what hit you now becomes you. Once hooked... one creates a virtual stream of experiencing this neat thing over and over and over and over until its novelty has been exhausted.

so when he said he sees something in you... he most likely saw it in them long before you showed up and he is only hoping it is in you as well... and when you feel a little desperate and hope that what he sees in you is true about you too... and not something he saw elsewhere but merely wished he saw in you
well... when you need him to believe you are just as special... that is when you should understand you are hooked in now too.

Love junkie. One of Us One of Us One of Us
I watch us like movie

What ever way you choose to view the vision... try not to see it as good or bad.
because all we are really seeing here is the evolution of experience and very much like the air breathed in by the  lungs...
their air... is now your air.

When it comes to Love, Memory and Experience... we all have a terrible time letting go of the ones we are most fond of. blatent or blanketed... we dress our love up in everything we liked about love and it most likely was worn by someone better than you. :)

as for me...
I might have loved him more than anyone I ever knew
I had nothing to compare him to. He was the only one who ever said
I know you.
but the reality is I loved
someone already loved by another in love with the one who loved them.
and to him... I was the dead bee on the windowsill version of her.
he was desperate to have her back... and so he tried to make himself believe.

What was lucky was that she took him back and still loved him... he was lovable.

and what was lucky for the other girl was that she did not have to mime for love... she would not be left to fake it or allow her heart to be experienced through someone faking it with her.

what was lucky for me was learning that I am not from out there.

I am from in here where being full was never the goal.

Quite the opposite

it was a little thing

that turned into a bigger thing.

After a while... it became everything.

and life changed.

All I could do was sew my innocence to the inside of my pants pocket and head out.

There was a shooting in colorado... somehow, a bright young man... a neuroscience student

at a good college... went on a rampage... and shot some people at a bat man movie.

The father of this young man... was about to testify at the supreme court about the LIBOR scandal.

The father had developed an algorithm that can trace with great accuracy

  

white collar crime... namely corporate bank thefts. 

The father worked for FICA and they used the algorithm and this is how they were able to bust 

the rate fixing scam with LIBOR. 

And oddly enough... his son becomes incredibly demented and kills some people

and now I wonder if this man will testify or what.

Then a white man walked into a Seik temple and killed some Seiks. He was then killed himself by the 

po po. One of the men killed inside just happened to be the father of a director of a movie coming out about Sirius and 

ETs and free energy. The government has taken hold of all those who were killed... personal computers

and archives. 

and now all these deaths... reek of murder inc. 

I see the info and I find it odd and I wonder if anyone else finds it odd.

This place makes no sense if you look at why things happen from popular news medias point of view. 

It only makes sense when you can see the agendas that run the projector... 

and when you start seeing those... those twisty tight faced agendas...

well... what had started as a little thing... always becomes the bigger thing 

which then ends up becoming

everything.

Please help us turn the bad guys good. love is the only way out. 

I had this dream that the Earth was pregnant with Peace... and she was in the throes of giving birth to her and all of humanity was her doula... and we were helping her birth her baby Peace... we were walking her around the cosmos and giving her encouraging words like...." you can do it and" you are so amazing" and "we love you" ... and she was doing it! she was giving birth to Peace!!!! and we could see Peace's head crowing and we were all laughing and crying and hugging her and each other and ourselves and I just woke up crying and laughing... just now and I swear to you... I believe with all of my heart that That is what Earth is trying to do right now!!!! and I saw all of us helping her and it was so beautiful that this is all I want to do with the rest of my life from here on out... Birth Peace.
I know I have been sounding a little wild lately... but I believe we came here to help one another heal up good and strong and transcend our own personal suffering... together... all or none.
I have been meditating on loving everything that I have found difficult to love in the past and it has really opened me up and changed how I see everything.
My own son was born 6 years ago yesterday.... so the dream had a very deep and profound meaning for me as I had also become a mother 6 years ago yesterday... around me I had my midwife, my doula instructor, my baby daddy and my two lovely chihuahuas. I gave birth at home in my water birthing pool in my tiny kitchenette on e 3rd st. NYC.
I had a wonderful network of support cheering me on and I gave birth to a very special little guy. When I saw him I said welcome welcome welcome.

when I gave birth to my son... I honestly did not think I could at one point!!! but the rooting me on and the loving me up in the process.... helped to change that fear in me... and after a little while... I was able to do it and I did it brilliantly...
well... It is my belief that our Mother... Mother earth... is in labor. and Momma is trying like mighty to give birth to our little sister Peace...
so lets all love our momma up and say hello to our new and much awaited sibling... Sister Peace.
All Together Now... men women and children, animals air and water...
To Peace,
Welcome Welcome Welcome.

Easter Acid

Easter acid

first let me sit you down and then I will sit me down and we will try very very hard not to laugh.
First at their robes and then at their solemnity. I whisper to you "When he speaks he sounds like the mwah mwah teacher from peanuts." You agree... It is uncanny.

I tell you that I love jesus and that I think we are from the same space pod...
and you will tell me you know this already and to shut up and "look...
look at the stained glass wall fall."


and I so I look
and it is more lovely, more stunning than it ever could have been in any other state...
and I have to hold your hand right then and push myself into you... A holy hot pink sun in perfect harmony with the big busy window pane... together we watch easter melt into a 2 dimensional acid bath of unbelievable gorgeousness. It was very sweet ... our life then.


On our way out... I lit every candle in the prayer station of Assisi with the three matches I had left and then stacked three bright pennies on top of three burnt sticks... while you sat on my feet and pushed your head through my knees.

I heard the hard clack of dress shoes
but you said you heard the honking of geese or a bicycle bell...
what ever we heard sent us racing towards the towering arced doors and we pushed ourselves out through the heavy wood to find ourselves washed out into a sea of dusk and darkening blue.

Our very sweet life then and how I loved you.

photo art by John Favorite out of San diego